Tea: Mint tea with honey. I am going to need to keep calm.
Disclaimer: I am about to discuss rape, allegations, and politics. If one of those offends, I have warned you.
So, Kavanaugh. I have been debating whether, or not to discuss his allegations on the internet. I have obviously decided to do as such. I also decided to call all 100 senators. More on that later.
I am a rape victim. I have no fear of the word ‘victim’. Many prefer ‘survivor’, but I do not. The reasons are two-fold: 1) ‘survivor’ implies that I came out unscathed: I wear my scars with pride, 2) ‘victim’ originally meant something sacrificed to a deity. That is the level of intensity that my personality, and my life has been affected. I will be using the word ‘victim’ for those reasons. If one prefers ‘survivor’, message me, and I will use it with one as appropriate.
My paternal grandfather, Wallace Edward Wilson, was a serial child rapist. 10 of the 11 grandchildren, at least 2 of 4 of his own kids, and several children throughout 40 years of being a christian youth pastor — he was also a Royal Rangers commander at Life Center Church California. Remember them. We will get back the them. — were raped in various ways. I was one of those 10.
On a related note: for the conservatives who are going to send me messages saying that this is the reason that I am gay. I am one of 12+ victims. I am the only gay one. That is actually lower than the national average of homosexuals. Statistics do not lie.
I told my mother when I was flying back from Arkansas to California at 9. I ran around the airport not wanting to go back when I had visited at 6 years old, and I finally said the words, ‘Grandpa makes me suck his dick.’ Now, I am 9, and I came out sounding like a cheap exploitation film. We landed to find out that my cousin — whose name I shall not reveal as he is one the few people on that side for whom I still care — had told the police of his own rape.
See, in a horrid turn of events, my aunt, and uncle died tragically in a car accident. A semi-truck flipped over onto their minivan full of their 5 children. From what I was told, it was a log truck, and they had just gotten doughnuts. My uncle’s bear claw was on the dashboard. The children were fine, but they were orphaned. My sister to this day has severe anxiety driving, or even walking by semi-trucks. I have an aversion to bear claws, partly for this reason. Also, bear claws are vile.
My cousins were staying at our grandparents house.
My other cousin could not stay silent anymore. I have the most respect for him for this. He came out as a victim to save others. I came out as a victim for my own need of reassurance. He will always, in my mind, be stronger.
There was an immediate divide in the family. Those who believed my cousin — his mother, my blood aunt, his father, my not-blood uncle, his sister, my father, my mother, my orphaned cousins, and our family friends —, and those who did not — everyone else in the family including my grandmother, my other blood aunt, her daughter/my cousin, and the people of Life Center Church…I told you that they would come back — were at war. I spoke to three cops, two investigators, and a court official whose role I still do not know. She was there with one of the investigators to corroborate my story I think.
Years later, I want to apologise to the very kind male officer who was very tall, and very built, and who very much scared me. I was so scared to talk to him that they had to call in a female cop. Sir, if you happen to remember working in Lakewood, California across from MacArthur Elementary School on a case involving a short, 10-ish ‘white’ boy who cried when you walked in: I am sorry. I truly hope that it did not hurt your feelings as an officer.
The war of the family would last quite a while. I was put into conversion therapy with a counselor named Becky…a name I hate to this day. She was a short blonde who tried to use scripture to make sure I was not gay. My grandfather was put into prison. My parents split up partly because of the stress — I think that it exacerbated their differences. Mutter did not want to sue, and push for more after the arrest. My father had to be calmed down. My rapist grandfather got to throw a punch at my father to show how he did not do it because people who do not do it think anger can cover up guilt.
Life Center Church, in the middle of Sunday service, praised my grandfather whilst my family, and I were in the congregation. Three families walked out with us. Roughly 40 stayed there, and took his side. They would later invite us back after the sentencing. My father took me back there — my siblings who are much wiser did not go —. Everyone acted as if nothing had changed. I saw the people who took the side of a rapist praise a god who said to protect the poor, and children. I have wished that the church burns down many times in my nightmares, but still it stands. I guess evil never dies.
Edit: It has come to my attention that the pastor who was there at the time — who praised a child rapist — is not longer there. I still hate the physical church: I will always have that memory of the place: Here he is though. It turns out that my father’s sister works with him. My parents were the only ones in the family to press charges because Romans 13 means nothing apparently. Yes, I have just referenced the Bible. 03 Oct 2018
It has been 20 years this year that this happened. It has been 25 years since the rape. I can still tell you the cologne my grandfather wore. I can still tell you the necklaces he wore, the style of underwear, what his body looked like, what his breath smelt like, and every intimate details of the acts I was forced to perform. I even remember the churches in which I was raped.
That is which being a victim is.
Those memories do not fade.
So, when one tells a doctor of psychology that she cannot possible remember things that happened decades ago, I disagree. I differ as a victim from those who have not been victimised. Those who have not been through it cannot know. They can refer to experts. They can refer to those who have been through it. They can even refer to doctors of psychology who say that they do remember.
Those deniers will not do that, though. They will continue to demonise women who stand up for all victims of assault, and rape.
So, in this first part, I am calling out those practitioners of #himtoo. I am a ‘him’, and I am also a victim. If you want to protect your children from being a rapist, teach them not to rape. If you want to protect your children from being raped, teach this generation not to rape.
I needed to take a break. I apologise for the weird line break.
I have called every senator — 100 phone calls — to either speak with a member of staff, or leave a message. I am sure that I am just one of thousands which they have received. Most were professional, and courteous. There were a few things that I did notice though:
- As soon I said the words, ‘As a male rape victim, I…’ the conversation changed. Most stayed silent for a second. A few offered sincere apologies. One went the other way, and he, a member of staff, went super professional. I kind of respected that as that is how I am when faced with heightened emotion.
- It is very partisan right now. I know, what a surprise! In Trump’s America?
- Most are approaching rape as a woman’s issue, and therefore dismissing it as easily as they dismiss women. As a feminist, I have to call this one out. It is bullshit. It is not a woman’s issue: it is a decency issue. Stop raping people.
A few senators’ staff deserve a shout out, but first there is one where I screwed up.
In my haste, I used the wrong pronoun with Sen. Ernst. I immediate apologised when her staff corrected me — which made me happy how it was corrected. It was succinct, but firm —, and also sent an email through her official website detailing my apologies.
Sen. Klobuchar had the friendliest aid, I believe. The staff connected with me when I mentioned how much the senator is against nominating an alleged assaulter as the highest level of justice which we have in the U.S.A.
Sen. Cassidy’s staff was taken by surprise when I left a double message. Note: Sen. Cassidy is very much for the nomination of this specific alleged assaulter. I asked that he change his mind about Judge Kavanaugh. I, also, mentioned that Cajun French needed to be more supported since its use has declined since the mid-1990s due to the rise of the internet. I mentioned this to both senators (Sen. Kennedy is the other one) in Louisiana, and the two (Sen. Collins, and Sen. King) from Maine concerning Acadian French. Sen. Cassidy’s staff — the others did not mention if they did, or not — even admitted to not knowing fully the senator’s stance as it is not a normal issue about which they receive calls.
Sen. Graham was the only senator only to take messages from constituents. This could be because of his outrage in the hearings: he may be flooded with non-constituents calling concerning his apparent support of an alleged assaulter being a Supreme Court Justice that he has had to limit his messages. I have had heaps of mint tea, so I will give him the benefit of the doubt: I also smoke occasionally, so I have to give him a little slack since he is a senator for South Carolina.
Sen. Hyde-Smith‘s aid is the only one to cut me off during my message. He tried to interrupt as I even said, ‘as a male rape victim’, as if that could not possibly be a reason to call about a possible assaulter. I will just leave that be.
Sen. Merkley‘s staff was the most surprised when I wished her a good day. Have manners died? They were probably killed with the economy.
Sen. Sanders…I am a huge fan. I gushed to his staff. I asked for him to run in 2020. I want to be able to vote for him despite the DNC’s anti-semitism that they seem to think most American Jews have forgotten about it — We’re Jews. We do not do the forgetting thing. —. I did mention that I know he is a humanist which is an important detail to remember as he is a human being who deserves respect…and a fair chance for people to vote for him.
Sen. Udall, lastly, has been one of the few senators to oppose Judge Kavanaugh from the beginning of September/late August. His staff member, and I actually almost bonded over New Mexico. She is from Santa Fe, and I lived in Albuquerque for a short stint. I mentioned the balloon festival, and she laughed. Even if it were political fakeness, she is a good person for politics. I wish her the best.
What have I taken away from these last few days? As a victim, I will never be respected by those who view it as a woman’s issue. I will never have the support of those who pray for love, but damn those who need it.
I will only be supported by my fellow victims — men, women, and all —, and those who know victims well. For those few allies, I thank you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. For my fellow victims, I cherish you. I cherish the scars we wear as wounds of a psychological battle. We are more than their limits.
To those who would deny our power, I pray that you will never have to look into your son’s eyes as he turns to you on a plane, and says:
‘Grandpa makes me suck his dick.’